“Trick or treat! Smell my feet! Give me something good to eat. If you don’t, I don’t care. I’ll pull down your underwear.”
Some score and whatever years ago, our forefathers brought forth on this nation a new tradition, conceived in greed, and dedicated to the proposition that if adults do not surrender their wealth of candy, the neighborhood children may destroy all manners of property. Now, trick-or-treating is dead. It’s because kids today have no survival instincts.
My childhood involved pandering without needing parental supervision. Adults told us stories about children being mauled by mountain lions to ensure our anxiety kept us close to home. They shared tales of neighbors placing needles in chocolate bars to tame our greed. Once instilled with cautious paranoia, we were free to wander alone and demand strangers fill our pillowcases with candy.
We were survivors. We actively sought ways to escape the dangers of negligent supervision. In sweltering summers, our parents loved to leave us in the car while they shopped for groceries. My generation survived because we were smart enough to locate the window crank, as well as strong enough to manually roll down the window. Darwinism only roasted the weak.
No one even had a cell phone. We went trick-or-treating completely disconnected and without worry. If anyone happened to get abducted, we knew how to signal an S.O.S. using the morse code button on our stupidly rectangular flashlights. There was no predicament we couldn’t survive.
These days, it’s like a kidnapper’s paradise. Any youngster snatched up this Halloween would certainly have their face made into a lampshade. Instead of plotting their prison for an escape route, this current generation would just point phones toward the sky, pace around, and pray to see extra bars. God forbid any child be trapped in such precarious circumstances while subscribed to AT&T. The poor soul would resign to the ill of fate and weep to the wub-wub brrrrrr-ing beats of Skrillex logging onto AOL via dial-up modem.
Anyways, children are the ones to be scared of. Autism is creepy.
This new generation of children are not even desirable targets for kidnapping. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimate that 1 in every 5 children are obese. All of that extra lard makes for an inconvenient back-breaking haul. Pedophiles must have at least some standards. It’s probably very safe to put your portly piggies on a leash and walk them around to meet the neighbors.
The way adult paranoia is reducing society is unfortunate. Halloween was my favorite holiday as a boy. My cavities are my trophies. Now as an adult, I feel like it’s my responsibility to pass along the traditions of our forefathers. But times have changed. Although no one’s a knock’n, I will continue buying large bags of candy and wait in the dark for parents to drag their sweet chubby children to my doorstep.