The Glass Is Half Silly

Leave it to the world’s smartest people to invent ways to make the rest of us look really stupid.

google-glass-1

Leave it to the world’s smartest people to invent ways to make the rest of us look really stupid.

The hype around Google Glass must be manufactured.  I refuse to believe the general public is remotely excited about the goofy gadget.

All poindexters know that putting on glasses is like wearing a new face.  Some prefer frameless glasses to match their iPhones and minimalist ideals.  Others opt for thick black frames to coordinate with their non-fat soy mocha lattes, extra foam, and a side of I dressed like a lazy lumberjack before it was popular.  

google glass photo

People are too vain to prioritize high technology over fashion.  No one in their right mind cares so much about hands-free email that they’ll gladly walk through society sporting some dopey metal unibrow.  Google’s Glass looks like you’re aiming to blow up a death star.  Even Luke set the eyepiece aside so he wouldn’t feel like an idiot.

How stupid do we look?

Google is the world’s biggest advertising company with a standing market capitalization of $265 billion.  The entire company is housed with the planet’s smartest people who are empowered to be clever.  Many women have caught me gazing at their boobs from another room, but all the media exposure for the latest innovation of slapping a screen on your face is hardly a coincidence when it’s been birthed by the dominate advertising corporation employing ivy-league graduates.

levar burton - glasses

Only one person has ever made wearing a computer visor over the eyes look cool, and it wasn’t because the gizmo resembled some horsepower boosting air-filter.  Levar Burton’s black.  The future and an interstellar frisbee ain’t gonna stop black people from being cool by default.  Sprinkle in some reading rainbow and you can shebang your face with anything you want.

Most of us have less to stand on.  We don’t have enough laurels to rest on looking more foolish than the times we baby-talk to our pets.  It’s too confusing to simultaneously chat at a pair of bifocals, kittens, and bountiful bosoms.  So, how about adding some buttons instead of spewing voice commands all over new technology?  I don’t want to sound like an auctioneer just to flip features on my devices.  Let’s leave the talking for people.

Why are ATMs so popular?  Why do we love ordering pizza online?  Because there are times when we’d rather not talk.  We aren’t all teenaged girls hating on Debra during breaks from pillow fighting in slow motion.  Too much talk in technology leaves our baristas befuddled and agitated.  Every parent knows that the best value in a gadget is its ability to keep kids quiet.

Don’t buy the hype.  The world becomes a better place the more we think critically and independently.  Google Glass is silly.  It’s another example of smart people inventing science to see if they could, without stopping to think if they should.

jurassic park glasses goggles

Pass the Poupon and Crumpets, Baby! It’s Award Season!

The Oscars kicked off awards season with an official announcement of their nominees, recognizing the year’s best films. Do you have a favorite? Save that garbage for the People’s Choice awards. We commoners mustn’t taint the prestige of Hollywood’s highest accolade with dreadful popular opinion. Only the Academy need be burdened by exquisite tastes and the honor of handing the world’s most beautiful people a coveted chocolate man dipped in gold.

Oscar Trophy awardThe Oscars kicked off awards season with an official announcement of their nominees, recognizing the year’s best films.  Do you have a favorite?  Save that garbage for the People’s Choice awards.  We commoners mustn’t taint the prestige of Hollywood’s highest accolade with dreadful popular opinion.  Only the Academy need be burdened by exquisite tastes and the honor of handing the world’s most beautiful people a coveted chocolate man dipped in gold.

Tuning into the show is like watching “classy” people masturbate with their pinky out.  I believe award ceremonies are always born with earnest intentions of acknowledging excellence in craftsmanship.  But business ultimately devolves the tradition into hollow marketing engines and shallow ego-boosting affairs.

Other than teasing the fantasy of glamour, I don’t understand why we laymen would have any interest in the festivities.  I can’t buy a ticket, attend the show, and later brag to friends about how Kate Beckinsale put a restraining order on me.  Why should we care about beautiful people getting awarded for doing their job?  They didn’t volunteer, or sacrifice for the greater good.  They punched in.  When I eat at McDonalds, I don’t care about who’s employee of the month.

The Oscars is famous for the annoying inquiries and critiques on celebrity fashion.  Are the clothes for sale?  Even if I could buy some Oscar wardrobe, I’d look uncomfortably pretentious wearing a pink sequin evening gown to a barmitzvah.  I don’t even have any heels to match, nor 13 year old Jewish friends.

Of all the award ceremonies, the Oscars is the most plagued by one huge oversight: Inbreeding.

Creating feature films requires large investments.  Mitigating the financial risks often entails casting a well-known celebrity, signing an accredited director, hiring a veteran producer, etc.  When funding only goes to greatly established people rather than great stories, the pool of Oscar contending talent shrinks.  A smaller group gets to make more of the films, and thus get more shots at the prize.  The industry is a snake that feeds on its own tail.

We can state the case for talent.  Jamie Foxx demonstrated indisputable skill transforming himself into Ray Charles.  He was 2004’s Best Actor on merit.  James Cameron is Hollywood’s elite director.  Yet, did his film Titanic win a record 11 Oscars because of talent, or because of the $200,000,000 budget and flexible deadlines?  Avatar might have only won 3 Oscars, but it was nominated in 9 categories.  Did Cameron get another 9 shots at the prize because of skill, or because of Avatar’s $240,000,000 budget?

Excellence is easy when working freely.  I believe anyone with artistic inclinations can produce amazing work if provided with unlimited resources and a sufficiently wide deadline.  The rich get richer because they have the money to remove distractions.  Two opposite people can have the same focus and drive, but the one who can buy the most fuel gets the farthest.

In all aspects of life, we commend those who do the most with the least.  Not in Hollywood.  We’ll pit a banjo versus an orchestra.

The Academy never weighs a film against its limitations.  A book’s limitation is the bounds of its author’s perspective.  A feature film’s limitation is finance.  Authors require investments in time, whereas filmmakers require investments in money.  Judging a $200,000,000 film in the same regard as a $10,000,000 film is like critiquing a 50 year old author against the alliteration of a 3 year old.  It’s silly.

To return dutiful meaning to the Academy Awards, nominations should be better categorized:

  • Having spent $100,000,000 or more…
    • Best Picture, Actor, Director, etc.
  • Having spent $30,000,000 to $99,999,999…
    • Best Picture, Actor, Director, etc.
  • Having cast Leonardo DiCaprio…
    • Give the man an Oscar already.  He clearly handsomes hardest.

As long as Hollywood continues to believe that the best way to tell the story of an Asian country’s deadliest natural disaster is through the plight of a European family on vacation, I’ll never take the Academy seriously.  Prejudice lives strong.

Awards represent earning another’s gratitude.  Trophies represent surpassing competition.  Oscars are neither.  It’s just a badge marking an exclusive club’s favorite meal.

David Stern is a dildo.