What Have I Done?

Realized regret.

After messaging a hot girl for the first time, I think, “Oh my fuck…  What have I done?”


Initiating contact with someone you like is the most nerve-racking experience.  Back in the day, I’d ask a girl for her number and then always reached out by actual phone call first.  Friends advised that using your voice was the best way to demonstrate interest and confidence to a girl.  It never worked for me.  Attractive girls don’t answer their phones.  They just let calls go straight to their weird Spanish voicemails, or some kind of odd high-frequency electronic hissing noise.

Whenever someone did answer the phone, they’d tell me that I called the wrong number.  Why do hot girls have so much trouble remembering their phone number?  They must not be very smart.  I guess it could be an honest mistake though.  I’d bet she was too drunk to enter the number correctly in my phone.  I must have gotten a lot of drunk phone numbers.  I should stop hitting on girls at the supermarket.

Calling first is clearly not the best move.  I’ve learned to text.  It’s less intrusive and gives her a longer timeframe to respond.  The problem is, what do you write?  A text message implies that you’ve had time to think about what you’re going to say.  And, I don’t know what I should say.  I asked for her digits because I liked the way she smashed her boobs together.  It’s not like I know her.

Immediately after I send the first message, I swim in regret.  The more I’m attracted to her, the more moronic my message.  I typically send:

“Hey, it’s John Kim from itsjohnkim.com.  I offered to buy you an Apple Martini at the frozen foods aisle last night.  Remember?  Were you on your period, or do you just really like ice cream?  I like ice cream too.  We have so much in common.  I really liked your yoga pants and thought we had a connection.  While we were talking, I felt all tingly in my pants and hoped to get to know you better.  Anyways, what are you doing right now?  Want to come over to my place?  I’ll cook us dinner.  I swear it won’t be frozen pizza.  haHAHAhAhaha.  But seriously, yes?  My mom won’t be home for a couple hours.”

The only response I ever get is “Message not sent.  Too many characters.”


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